As I was sitting in my dad's car on our way to my aunt's house, I saw a huge billboard with a poster on it of the upcoming Twilight sequel, 'Eclipse'. Now I know that this may come as a shocker to those who personally know me as I have been very critical on the Twilight movies since its adaptation to the silver screen a few years back. I bet all the dudes are now saying "GAAAY!!" or that this is "FAAAKE!!". No my fellow grunts, I am not gay and no this is not a fake. Sure the last two movies have been, for lack of a better term, crap.
Even Leslie Nielsen's Dracula had more balls than those tweeny boppers
But I do believe that the producers of Twilight have decided that it's time to cater to a wider range of demographics and satisfy some of the audiences who hunger for a little dose of testosterone ridden, angst filled and blood spilling action style of a storyline. This, they believe, will help salvage the vampire genre since the last two films have been disastrous(fans of the novels were also critical about the movies as well) and killed the genre as a whole.
Both Louis de Pointe du Lac and Prince Vlad wept at the premiere of Twilight. Their thoughts - 'Twilight' did to vampires what 'Brokeback Mountain' did to cowboys.
So what's new this time around? I heard from a somewhat reliable source that the movie 'Eclipse' is going to be much, much darker than its predecessors. Gone it seems are the crappy one liners from that pale looking pole of a man named Edward and the emo-driven screams of Bella Swan, which was more like that of a woman in labour than a depressed young juvenile delinquent. The story will include a more action oriented theme and seems that the fight sequences are something to look forward to. But one thing that trumps above all else is the introduction of a new nemesis for the skinny vampires and their shaggy wolf clan peons. Nope, it's not the Victoria character and her whole legion of newborn vampires. People, please. If I were excited about that then I AM GAY!!! hahahaha
Oh my. What scary looking vampires! Looks like one of those actors in 'Gossip Girl'. FAIL!!
No. This nemesis, this more than worthy adversary is none other than the mofoipawnsissyvampiren00bs - BLADE!!!!!
"Can thou blush?" said Blade to the amateurs in Twilight.
Yup. Instead of adding another sequel to his own franchise, Blade decides to step into the world of Twilight and show these wannabes what makes a true bloodsucker great. Or maybe he's just jealous of all the attention that Edward's been getting these days. Who can blame him? One thing is for sure though. I am now definitely psyched to go watch this movie. Mind you, we're just a few weeks shy of watching the reboot of the awesomeness that is the vampire genre by our hero, Blade the Daywalker.
Blade - "It's my turn to shine, biatch."
Edward to Bella - "So long sweet cakes!! Adios!!"
p.s.- Satire people. Satire. (^o^)