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Sunday, 29 May 2011

Saturday, 28 May 2011

I got lost somewhere, somehow..



"Maybe I am not doing this right...perhaps it's time to set myself straight."

Thursday, 26 May 2011

What lies within me...

 "Remember what Shrek said about layers?"


I am just like everyone else. Flawed. I used to believe that I am defined by the experiences, the history and origin that I have and belong to. Yet now it all does not seem to add up.

I have many insecurities about myself. I know that the only thing holding me back is myself. But reality is not as easy as fiction where one can always choose which path to take. In life, choosing is one thing but to act upon the choices we have made is another challenge altogether.

I am afraid of opening up to people. I am afraid that they would see me as vulnerable, weak and fragile. I hide behind a smoke screen of confidence, a mirror of strength and an idea of perfection. Would people cower from me if they knew the truth? Would I be exiled for it?

There are times when I feel that I am separated from the rest of humanity. I know. A very self imposed righteousness, you might say. But it is felt both negatively and positively. Some days I feel that I am the worst of my kind. And there would be others when I feel that I have done something truly spectacular.

I believe that we all seek this. That uniqueness that makes us who we are. That drives us and defines us. The trait that would make us accepted by people and gain their love and approval.

The truth is, life is not consistent. You can wake up one day feeling all peachy inside and you can wake up another feeling angry at the world; as if everyone has declared war upon you. I believe that my insecurities stem from my emotions. As much as I try to portray a deadpan and cool attitude, deep down inside I am as mushy as any hopeless romantic could ever be. I wish that I can control my emotions.


"Emotions.."


What I find to be very aggravating is that deep inside my heart I know what is right and what is wrong but my emotions tend to trump every time when I decide to take action. I fear them; my emotions. I guess that is what they call a conundrum. Cannot seem to be rid of it. But I guess that is what makes us human after all. Otherwise we would just be like the mindless peons we call machines.


"Mindless and emotionless.."


I just wish that I have the power to control them. To choose how I feel. To channel the emotions by separating the positive and the negative ones. The dilemma here is that if I do have the ability to do so, would I actually do it? It comes back to the act of making a choice and acting upon that choice.



 "If only it is this easy.."


Perhaps I should have more faith in people. To trust them with my insecurities, my mistakes and my flaws. I have buried myself so deep that I cannot seem to pull myself out entirely from beneath. All the scars, secrets and shadows still grip me. Maybe I am just being melodramatic. But I guess that is proof to you of how much my emotions affect me so.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Sheets of Glass



Yes. I do sigh,
Silently when not alone.
Only at night do I cry,
In the confines of my home.

It is hard for me to let go,
I hold things close and dear.
Though I do not show,
Please stay with me here.

I wish that I am remembered,
I hope that I am cherished.
May you always be guarded,
And never be diminished.

Life and times come and go,
Treasures buried in the sand.
Never will I open the window,
For I shall keep you in my heart,
till the very end.


.................................................~Afiq


Note: This used to be titled 'To you and to all...'. As part of the full blog editing process, it now bears a new name. (07042016)